cgm13.net :: the boy wonder: January 2003

Can you tell I am gay from the list of music that I downloaded today?
Nah. I don't think so.
1. Human League
2. Duran Duran
3. Michael Jackson
4. Olivia Newton-John
5. After the Fire
6. Falco
7. Bananarama
8. Dead or Alive
9. Eurythmics
10. Justin Timberlake

I can tell that I am getting old. I have spent the day surfing the web for 80's New Wave tunes. You can't go wrong with "Rock Me Amadeus." Yeah.

In other news:
Jebus!!! I got a 40¢ raise at work. Let the good times roll!

Just a reminder that the evil holiday of Valentine's Day is coming up soon. You know you want to change my opinion. Won't you be my sweetie?

Sweet! I have coughed up the money and now have some Camille Rose Garcia on the way. It's only a postcard set, but you gotta start somewhere.

I have given up on the online personals thing. So... I am on Yahoo! Personals to change my account settings so that I won't get that annoying "you have matches" message every single day. So... curiousity gets the best of me and I decide to see if there are any new faces listed for my area. There is a new face and I swear that he looks just like the guy at the bottom of the hill. I drive past the house twice or more a day on my way to and from work, and I check him out every time that he's out and about in his yard. Does that mean I should make a fool out of myself and leave a note on his truck?

I hardly ever do art for myself. Since I do print graphics (for eight hours a day, five days a week) the desire to break out with a brush or pencil when I get home usually isn't there. The last time I actually painted something was way back in 1997. I feel very inadequate when I do art for myself. The great ideas swirl in my head, but when I try and put them down on paper or canvas they never turn out quite as good as they should. Sometimes, I think there is a short between my brain and my hand.

Well, the creative juices are starting to flow again and I am feeling kinda jazzed about it. It's time to see what my mind is gonna spit out.

So, as a break from all my mental anguish, I offer you "Dog with Bandanna."

Yes. I am experiencing a wee bit of pathos today.

love
n. 1: A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness. 2: A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.

obsession
n 1: an irrational motive for performing trivial or repetitive actions against your will. 2: an unhealthy preoccupation with something or someone.

I feel like I am in a grey zone. Even with the decision that I made, every day is a struggle … not to write, not to call, not to think about it. It amazes me that so little action on his part has sent me to this dark place. I constantly feel the push and pull of my desire for him, my desire to be rid of him and my desire to destroy all others who dare to get close to him. I am walking the very fine line between love and obsession. The idea of him poisons my mind a little more each day. I can feel affection turning toward hatred ever so slowly. These feelings can’t last forever, right? They must end.

We tend to be behind the times here in the mountains in terms of what is trendy. I have recently discovered a super, kick-ass artists that you all should see ... Camille Rose Garcia. Her art is like a 1930's cartoon on some really evil crack. I want some of this stuff for myself. Wow. Check out more of her art at the Merry Karnowsky Gallery. They even have some limited edition prints. Whoo!

How I ever functioned before the "Brew Delay" button is way beyond me.

Watching the days slip by so fast
Knowing our fate has long been cast
Working our fingers to the bone
Cause nobody loves you when you're gone

Coughing up feeling just for you
To find something real to hold on to
But there is a hole inside my heart
Where all of my love comes pouring out
-- Garbage

It's approaching 1:00 p.m. on the day after the Super Bowl and I have absolutely no idea who won the game. I think that's really sweet. And, no ... don't e-mail me with the final score. Ignorance is bliss, dammit!!!

I do realize how stupid and irrational that last post sounds. I don't care.

The weekend was fun ... even though it did get tiring at times to deal with so many people for two days straight. We played board games which brought out the asshole in me. We went for a hike to Tamassee Knob which had a really sweet view for only a two mile hike. We ate lots and lots of food. Whoo. I look forward to going back next year and maybe getting to stay in "Cabin Five."

I came to a conclusion on the trip that my one true friend is coffee. Coffee perks me up. I never have to worry about it ditching me for someone else or using and abusing me. If it runs out I can always make more. Coffee won't flirt with me and then say, "Hey, I was only joking. I'm not into you." Coffee is there just waiting to make me happy all day long. The only time it will ever disappoint me is when I don't make it strong enough. In honor of my bestest of best friends, I bought the fanciest coffee maker that my local Wal-Mart offers. Let the good times roll.

I about an hour I will be off to a cabin in upstate South Carolina for the weekend. Friends, food, fun and tons 'o whiskey await. It's gonna remind me of one of my favorite films. Hopefully nothing too Evil Dead-esque will happen.

Oh, dear. Ask and ye shall receive. Now I am going to have to "pony up" as the saying goes. Heh, heh.

If I have done everything properly, you should be able to see my "13" Icon in the address bar of your browser. Yet another special feature for the constant readers of CGM13 World News. Enjoy!

I have seen the light. Porno needs to be put to film and not to video. I watched my first porno "film" last evening, and boy does it look good. Everything has a more realistic look and feel on film. The movie I watched last still proves that not all gay men can dance. Yeah, I know it's silly to ramble on about porno and the pros of "film" verses the cons. But, when you're not gettin' any you have to get you thrills somewhere ... right?

Have I mentioned that I am madly in love with Shift-on-the-Fly 4WD?

Since the bulk of the snow came down last night, I won't have to worry about any unexpected company this time around. Yeah.

Again with the snow. I actually like snow. I like the way it diffuses the light coming into the house early in the morning. I like the road outside being quiet because eveyone is afraid to get out and drive. But, I do wish that it would happen on the weekend once in a while. That way I wouldn't have to worry about going to work. I could get out and make a snowman, pelt my rommie with snowballs or just walk around and enjoy the unbroken stretch of whiteness. *Sigh*

I am thinking about writing a letter of explanation. Somebody needs to stop me. Please.

Humph! The theatre in Virginia (that I was offered the chance to perform at) has hired someone already.

Whoo hoo! My father is supposed to be released from the hospital today. That news makes me all smiley.

More paranoid statements...
In truth, I don't feel like I am a really nice person. You know, deep down inside on that primal level. I don't feel like I am all that talented at work or in the various activities that I am a part of. I feel like I waste a lot of time doing things for people that wouldn't do the same if the positions were reversed. I have a "happy face" on most of the time. It gets very tiring. I want someone to share my life with. But, I feel that even if I were in a relationship I would have nothing to offer but obsessive, stalker-esque behavior. Various events in my life make me think that I really don't deserve happiness. Therefore, I feel nobody else deserves it either. I feel very irrational most of the time. This is just a momentary lapse ... a fault line on the surface that people see. It will disappear. Things will return to normal.

There's no charity in you
and that surprises me
I guess I thought you were a golden idol
cause I called you majesty
on the balustrade
you watched me hunt for tips I was obliged to pick up
from the passing trade

Hey, kids look at this
it's the fall of the world's own optimist
I could get back up if you insist
but you'll have to ask politely
cause the eggshells I've been treading
couldn't spare me a beheading
and I'll know I had it coming
from a Caesar who was only slumming
Hey, kids look at this
it's the fall of the world's own optimist
-- Aimee Mann

In other news this morning ...
Information on the new Steely Dan album has finally been released. Damn, I love this band. Does that mean I am a real big geek?

Dear sweet, wounded Jesus! I have been invited to perform next month at a theatre in Virginia with my friend John. I just don't know if it will work out.

Subj: Gossip
Date: Tue, 21 Jan 2003 10:57:39 AM EST
From: Lloyd

Just saw Robert and he got engaged.......the wedding will be May 17th.

Further proof that I am becoming old and bitter. I wish nothing but misery and unhappiness.

Silly me. All I had to do was upgrade the firmware for the router. Now AOL's Web Mail loves me. Whoo!

Now online here at CGM13 World News are the few photos that I have managed to get a hold of from the Marbles Christmas Party. Yep. It's night that made me lose my sanity for several weeks around the holidays. I think it might have come back now ... for the most part.

So, it appears that it is the router that is making AOL's Web Mail be a fickle whore. When I use the DSL modem direct it works, but when I use the router AOL comes to a complete hault. I about went nuts yesterday not being able to check my mail every two minutes. Must. Fix. Router.

Whoo hoo!

I went to a friend's baby shower on Saturday and left feeling deeply disturbed. Granted, I can't imagine Jeff being a father, but something else has been bugging me. Is it the fact that everyone else there has a significant other and I was a loner? Or, is it the fact that I can't stand to see anyone else be happy and have good things happen to them? That night after a few beers (and some overcompensation) things seemed better. Now I am not so sure. Have I become a hateful, self-obsessed asshole at 31?

Argh!!! Apparently, AOL's Web Mail Service does not like our new Bellsouth DSL internet connection here at work. Damn. Now I can't be quite so obsessive about checking my e-mail.

The movie report for the weekend:
feardotcom was just plain stupid.
Jason X was at least semi-entertaining.

I am in the mood for a shitty horror film tonight. It's either feardotcom or Jason X. Tough choice ... ain't it?

You can now see pictures of the Alum Cave Bluffs Hike that I went on the same day my father got hospitalized. I wish I had gotten more pictures, but stopping to drag out the camera was a major pain. I'll have to figure out some better way next time.

Since it snowed yesterday, the person I have been avoiding since New Year's showed up on my doorstep last evening. He was unable to make it all the way to his home since he has a rear-wheel drive car. So, he ended up staying the night (on the couch, of course). It was so nice to see him and chat and to wake up this morning and have him around. But, I can't allow myself feel that way. It's time for me to return to exhile.

AOL's web mail service is being a fickle whore today. Urgh!

Sweet. I have been linked by BJ and East/West. Thanks guys!!!

In other news ...
My father has been taken off the heart monitor, iv and various other things they had him hooked to. The doctor is really pleased with dad's progress. Tomorrow he will be moved from the observation unit up to the physical therapy unit. Whoo. Let the good times roll!

Hi. We are welcoming a new feature here at CGM13 World News ... the DVD Wishlist. I don't have nearly enough cash on hand to keep up my dvd collection the way I would like to, and you can help! I can assure you that all movies go through a rigorous selection process. Point, click and start making me very happy. All purchasers will be sent a "thank you" note and get a special mention on this site. If I actually see you in person, you'll probably get a big, wet, sloppy kiss! You can also reach the wishlist from a button on the side menu. Enjoy!

Whoo hoo! It's fuckin' official!!! People of the world need to rejoice. Yeah!

According to a small news tidbit on ABC News this morning, "Harry Potter and the Order of the Pheonix" will be out on June 21, 2003. Damn, that makes me happy!

Things here have evened out some. Dad's condition has equalized to where he isn't better, but he isn't any worse ... which the doctors say is fantastic. The recovery process promises to be lengthy. I guess we shall see what each day brings. Posts to this site will probably resume tomorrow.

In a fun turn of events, my father was admitted to the hospital yesterday with what they now think is "Guillain-Barre Syndrome." Best case is a full recovery. Worst case is total paralysis. Posts to this site will porbably become non-existant over the next several days. Just so you know...

Pictured above is one of the main reasons that I like where I live. There really is nothing better than having the Great Smoky Mountains National Park right in your back yard. A 2.5 mile hike tomorrow will get us to the Alum Cave Bluffs (pictured above). Life could be better right now, but distractions like this help make it a little sweeter.

Hmmm, how interesting. I pop up third when you search Google for "hair less porn." I bet people looking for hairless porn are disappointed.

Malted milkshakes. The great outdoors and fresh air. Pancakes, eggs, bacon and sausage. Latin dance rythmns. Birthday wishes for Sherry. This is what awaits. Damn, I am glad the weekend is finally here.

Poor Bat Boy. After stalking Jenna Bush for a while he is now stealing Mini Coopers and being chased by the cops. I suspect that he is only lonely and desperate for attention like so, so many of us. But, is stalking or stealing the answer? I guess we all gotta do what we gotta do to get through this life.

Nearly one week. My lack of good sleep is finally starting to making me feel really cranky and uninspired. So, go check out the sweet new look over at Contrasts. Maybe I'll be back on track later.

I have found happiness. Turns out that it's manufactured by Hamilton Beach.

I start house sitting for my bosses tomorrow. I will get the joy of taking care of their ~~kick-ass three-story log home,~~ ~~king-size guest room water bed,~~ ~~real fountain malt makin' machine,~~ ~~big screen tv,~~ ... er, cute loveable dog named Carlos.

Concerning that last post: I do realize that I am a total and complete hypocrite. This still does not mean that I condone or listen to Britney or Justin.

So, here goes my Grammy Nominations rant. This actually boils down to all award shows, in my opinion. It always seems like the top selling, most popular, "in your face" all year people get the attention come awards time. As an example: You honestly can't tell me that Avril Lavigne, Pink and Britney Spears are ones that should be up for "Best Female Pop Vocal Performance." It's just like "A Beautiful Mind" at last year's Oscars. Hello?!? Just because the masses like it does not mean that it is good. Burn your Britney and Justin cds people. Go and see something other than "Die Another Day." You'll be better off for it.

I like to think of myself as someone who is not a sucker for trends. But, I do know that I love this trend of putting out television shows on dvd. I picked up the Oz: The Complete 2nd Season this morning and can't wait to get home to watch it. Mmmm, Oz. Now if they will just release complete seasons of Wonder Woman I will be the happiest (in material goods anyway) man on the planet.

Have I mentioned that I am madly in love with Aimee Mann?

Geez. It's about damn time!

Speaking of porno ... after watching one of my "videos" the other day I have decided that I need to write a porno movie. It can't be that, er, hard as evidenced by the great dialogue in the one I watched.
"Yeah."
"Oh, yeah."
"Oh, fuck yeah!"

The nice thing about being a sullen bastard is that my reading time (an anti-social activity if there ever was one) has become even greater than it was. I finished Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby yesterday. Not as good as some of his other stuff, but it's still an interesting read. Now it's on to Irvine Welsh's Porno.

Urgh! The cable modem was down all day Friday. So, that's why there were no posts from me. I bet that blog readers everywhere were ready to commit mass suicide because I was down for a few days. Rejoice that I am back. There are a couple of items of interest this morning ...

1) I finally got pictures from my 1950's Sci-Fi Party posted. Check 'em out!

2) Aimee Mann is going to be playing at The Orange Peel next month ... and I have tickets!!! It's so damn rare that they get someone super cool at one of the clubs in the area. I can't wait!!!

It's pretty sad that the major excitement of the day has been downloading Netscape 7 for my crappy PC here at work. But, I guess that you just gotta keep up with the times. On the plus side, finding that Radio@Netscape has a New Wave station has made me all smiley again ... though I never have thought of The Cure as New Wave. Go figure. Dear God ... they are now playing The Cocteau Twins!!! Heaven here I come.

I finally finished Michael Chabon's The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. What a slow reader I am, but what a great book it is. I have now moved on to Chuck Palahniuk's Lullaby. He sums up early on in the book what I have thought for years ...
   Old George Orwell got it backwards.
   Big Brother isn't watching. He's singing and dancing. He's pulling rabbits out of a hat. Big Brother's busy holding your attention every moment you're awake. He's making sure you're always distracted. He's making sure you're fully absorbed.
   He's making sure your imagination withers. Until it's as useful as your appendix. He's making sure your attention is always filled.
   And this being fed, it's worse than being watched. With the world always filling you, no one has to worry what's in your mind. With everybody's imagination atrophied, no one will ever be a threat to the world.