cgm13.net :: the boy wonder: December 2002

Have I mentioned that I am madly in love with Ian Curtis?

So, the plan now is to be a little more upbeat here at CGM13 World News even if things are going bad. I do realize that you, constant reader, really don't want to hear the ravings of a self-obsessed, unhappy bastard like myself. After looking back at the last week and a half, I see that I have been nothing but a downer. Part of the reason I started this weblog was to vent some steam into the great vaccum that is the internet. But, right now it doesn't seem to be helping. So, it's time to put on a happy face and move forward into a new year (as far as this site is concerned, anyway).

I hate my friends. On one side, I am the victim. I am being flirted and toyed with by someone who knows what strings to pull. He puts out just enough information to make me wonder about his motives. He knows that I am on the hook and doesn't want me off of it, because I am giving him something that he needs but is afraid to admit. On the other side, I am the villain. I have confused my physical attraction to him and our friendship for being the real deal ... love. He has no clue how to deal with my moods. He is aware that anything he might do could set me off. He values my friendship and doesn't want to lose it, but has no clue how to proceed.

This is why I don't want to go out tonight. To put myself near him. To be in the center of this group of people who think they know the answer to my problem. To put on the act of being social when all I want to do is crawl into bed and ignore the world for just a little while longer. I wish I knew what to do to make it right, but I fear there is no answer. No answer at all.

I was talking to a cousin (and registered nurse) last night. She thinks that I need to get to a doctor and get medicated. But would medication help if the cause of my unhappiness and mood swings is still around?

This heart's up for sale
Yeah, this heart's on the stand
Mix and match and melt in my mouth
Nothing ever goes quite as planned
You fly north and I'll sail south

I know that I am 20 years behind the times on this one. But, damn what an album. To me, ABC's The Lexicon of Love reminds us of what was so great about early 80's pop. It's all here: glamorous horn sections, hooky bass lines, shimmering guitar work, Martin Fry's fantastic (if not overdone at points) vocal delivery. Plus it has one of the greatest album covers ever designed, in my humble opinion. Even in the depths of my depression, this music makes me all smiley.

In honor of the end of the year I will now give out my top favorites in movies, books and music for 2002. There are no links from this list 'cause I am ultra lazy this morning.

Movies
1. Punch Drunk Love
2. The Ring
3. Insomnia
4. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers
5. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

Books
1. Running With Scissors Augusten Burroughs

Music
1. Lost in Space Aimee Mann
2. Scarlett's Walk Tori Amos
3. One by One Foo Fighters
4. Audioslave Audioslave

There's tons of other stuff that I really liked, but most turned out to be from last year (or several years ago). I might just have to list my Non-2002 Favorites at some point later on.

Hmmm. It's time to switch from The Smiths to Joy Division. Y'all have as good a weekend as I am going to. Yeah, right.

Dear sweet wounded Jesus. It's only 3:00 p.m. Will this damn day never end?!?

Well, I have been invited out to see a movie with some friends this evening. I think I am going to turn it down. It's not that I don't want to see Gangs of New York. It's that I am still not very good company right now. Last night I basically ignored the rommie and his girlfriend unless I absolutely had to talk to them. I did some work on the computer and then lost myself in The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay. It feels better not to have to put up the front of being social. I don't feel like being social. I want everyone else to feel as bad as I do. I want everyone else to have all their failures and unrealized dreams come to haunt them and keep them awake at night.

Ever feel like there are so many thoughs rushing around in your head that there might be a race track in there? I tried to stop that race last night with some Bailey's ... then some vodka ... then some gin. Passed out in the bathroom on Christmas. How sad is that?

In other news:
Thanks to BJ, "Sleigh Ride" will never sound quite the same again. Whoo!

It's a rainy Christmas Eve ... perfect for those of us ill at ease with ourselves. I am not thankful for much at this point. Self pity goes well with a glass of egg nog. Cheers.

Movie Update:
A few minor complaints aside, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers is pretty damn spectacular.

I'm off to see The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers tonight. Maybe a film about death, misery, war and oppression will lift me out of my black mood.

DJ Rhino's Crest of New Wave Night at The Orange Peel on Saturday night was a blast. I now know specifically which 80's tunes you just can't dance to (even though they sound like you can). The Marbles got together for egg nog (or negnog as it's now lovingly referred to) and some good eats yesterday. Late in the evening I hit rock bottom. Rock. Fuckin'. Bottom. Specific details won't be forthcoming because I am going to be stuck down there for a while. Be warned: Further posts (for the next day or so at least) may become vague and be filled with tons of self-loathing and hatred.

In less self-centered news:
I have tried the egg nog after an extensive three week aging process, and it's good. So. Fucking. Good. Thanks for the recipe, Mom!

Having just gone out and bought some Christmas presents I can now say the following (and only feel a little ashamed): I hate spending money on other people. I like spending money on myself. I want other people to spend their money on me. I am a selfish, spoiled brat.

Radio Free Bentkid is on the air courtesy of Tyler. Check it out!

I feel like the December 6 epsiode of This American Life. "Stories of people stuck in their own personal reruns -- moments or episodes that they revisit over and over again." It happened again last night. It's been ten years. Seems like ten years would heal the wounds.

Urgh! If the stupid Golden Globe Nominations are any indication it looks as if the best film of the year (in my opinion) will get passed over come Oscar time. Damn.

If Dan and Karyn can do it, then why can't I? And unlike Dan, this isn't silly credit card debt for which he needs nearly $6,500 to get rid of. I only need a mere $3,000. And unlike Dan who is "willing to do almost anything it takes to make this work, accept (sic) porn, prostition (sic), or selling drugs", I will gladly pimp myself for the right amount of cash. As a graphic artist I am always in need of the best, most up-to-date equipment. I have had my current laptop for the past two years and now is the time to upgrade. The problem is that I work on a Macintosh, and they ain't cheap. You can help!!! Help me upgrade from my old, slow iBook to a brand spankin' new 1GHz Powerbook G4. Come on and help a poor boy out. The power (and money) is in your hands.

I love Jack Walsh. He is one of the coolest people I have ever had the pleasure of being friends with. Jack graduated for the Mass Comm program at UNCA a few years ago and is now working in Athens, Georgia. Anyway, he's made a cool short film. It's about a ninja and showcases his warped sense of humor. Check it out here. Be warned. It might take a while to download.

Sweet! Rob Zombie's House of 1000 Corpses is finally on its way. Does this mean that horror films are making a much needed comeback? Probably not. But, we can still enjoy the good ones when they come along (i.e. The Ring).

So, I have decided to ditch the Entertainment and Other Stuff sections of this site. I kept meaning to get stuff on those pages, but at this point just don't have any decent ideas. They might come back sometime soon.

Yes. I am a selfish, self-centered bastard.

Robert Akers: 1992-2002
Robert joined Lynnette and me for the movie last evening. Afterwards, we went to get food and he came to hang out with us and catch up on things. In the middle of dinner the girlfriend/witch called him. He started talking to her and I heard him say, “We can talk. It’s just Charles and Lynnette.” The signal on the cellphone kept cutting out, so he decided that he needed to be somewhere else to get a better signal. So, he ditched us. Just like that. Said "gotta go" and walked out the door. It upset us both that our companionship at that moment seemed to mean so little. Let me explain …

I hate change especially where close friends are concerned. Robert and I have been good friends since we met in 1992 and we became even closer several years ago. We would spend practically every Saturday or Sunday on the hiking trails in the area or we were off to catch a movie. Then he met Jan. Now, I only see him once every couple of months (if that often). That’s why I am so pissed about last night. What makes the current situation frustrating is that he is giving his time and energy over to someone who will only hurt him in the end. She has cheated on him several times already. They have broken up only to get back together again and again. There is a definate pattern of behavior that has repeated itself several times already. I have a very harsh view of Robert’s current situation. I know love make you become irrational and do strange things. But, you think that he could put her on hold for one evening so that we could catch up. It saddens me to see him slip more and more out of my life and there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to stop it.

Movie Update:
Star Trek: Nemesis gets two thumbs up.

A post from BJ the other day (he mentions the song Homicide by 999) made me think of one of my favorite films ... Urgh! A Music War. I lucked into my copy when a local video store went out of business and were selling all their tapes. Roger and I spent most of a summer watching a re-watching this fantastic collection of early 80's new wave and punk bands. The film runs a little over two hours and has live performances by 999 (they play Homicide), Echo and the Bunnymen, The Police, Wall of Voodoo, Gary Numan, XTC, The Cramps, X, UB40, Steel Pulse, The Go-Go's, Dead Kennedys and tons of others. I have friends that make fun of me for my "sad 80's punk movie." But can you get any better than Lux Interior from The Cramps with his cut-off leather pants and that usage of the microphone? The video of this film is now out of print. Hopefully, the video gods will see fit one day to re-release this classic!

You might remember the proposition. Well, I have officially decided against it. I know it means I will have to go without for a while longer, but I think I will be better for it. Here are the top five reasons why not:
1) I will not be breaking my "10 Years On Either Side" rule.
2) I can quit thinking that it would be like sleeping with my dad.
3) I can actually control this situation (unlike some other ones).
4) I can further my research into new masturbation techniques.
5) I can add to my pornography collection.

Saturday night Michelle and I went to our local watering hole to get in some much needed dancing. There I fell in love. He was one of the go-go boys and had the face of an angel. I have a thing for tipping go-go dancers. Most of them are super hot/cute and, in real life, wouldn't look twice at me. When Michelle and I decided to take a break from the dance floor I walked over to the kiosk he was on and presented my money. His eyes locked on mine as he knelt down in front of me. He put his hands on the sides of my face and looked longingly at me. Then, he was sitting down with his legs slung over my shoulder. In one swift move his ass was against my chest, his crotch mere inches from my face. We still had our eyes locked as he worked his pelvis up and down in front of me. Then he was back on his knees presenting his thong for my money. After payment was rendered, he leaned down and kissed me very lightly on the lips. Before we left, I went back for another round of being treated like a king. I know he didn't care about me at all ... just the cash I was handing him. But, it was very nice, even for a few moments, to be the object of someone's attention. Who says that money can't buy happiness?

Busy weekend ahead with FIVE PARTIES to attend.
Oh, the horror. Y'all be good now.

Hmmm. Daft Punk sums up pretty well what I want to say to that certain special (nothing's gonna ever happen) someone.

It might not be the right time
I might not be the right one
But there's something about us I want to say
Cause there's something between us anyway

I might not be the right one
It might not be the right time
But there's something about us I've got to do
Some kind of secret I will share with you

I need you more than anything in my life
I want you more than anything in my life
I'll miss you more than anyone in my life
I love you more than anyone in my life

A couple of months ago the new Irvine Welsh novel came out. I think the book has, quite possibly, the greatest dust jacket ever designed. Anyway. Jonathan Cape (the U.K. publisher) held an internet contest with the grand prize being a sweet signed, limited edition super proof of his last novel "Glue." Needless to say I didn't win that. However, I was one of the runners-up and received a copy of his new novel "Porno" and a "Porno" wrapped condom. How cool is that?!?

A group of us went to New York City last September, and I finally got to see more of the city than the theatre district and all the "touristy" (read 42nd St.) areas. I'll say it now ... I love New York. I know it's easy to say that since I visit only once a year and don't have to put up with the daily grind of city life. But, I know people (Tim and Brett mainly) that live there and love it. We went down to the East Village one afternoon and had lunch. Coming out of the restaurant I snapped the picture above. "Cappuccino & Tattoo." Now, how funny is that? It's my favorite picture that I took on the trip, and to me it sums up what is so great about the city. After lunch we walked down through China Town and made our way to the East River. From there we strolled down to Battery Park. The sky was crystal clear with the sun reflecting off the windows of so many buildings. It was a dazzling site. I can't wait to go back and visit again.

What a sad person I am. About every 6 months I get the urge for some big purchase ... something excessive to occupy my mind for a while. This time it's either an Xbox or PS2. So far I am resisting that urge. But the lure of games like Silent Hill 2 or The Thing might be too much. Time will tell! What I really just need to do is get more games for the PlayStation that I hardly ever play as it is.

I figured out that the site isn't getting anywhere near the hits that I thought it was. Oh, well. I am hosting some auction photos for my bosses and ebay accessing them is apparently what is driving the number so high. But, the good news is that people are coming to the site everyday. Is there anything special you all are looking for ... any complaints ... any suggestions? Give a shout if you want to.

Yesterday was interesting. More reading too much into motivations and actions. Ugh. I hate this shit. Someone put me out of my misery.

Must. Resist. Urge. Xbox or PS2.

Sad. I am actually considering the proposition. You would laugh if I told you how long it has been since I have had intimate physical contact with another human being.

Living in a rural area you come to depend on internet personals as a way to attempt to meet people. Most times I end up fixating on (and sometimes writing to) guys that would never ever give me the time of day. The few times that I have written and received mail back I have sent a picture along to help put a face to the e-mail. That's when I get dropped like a hot potato. This has happened several times now, and I have become very gun shy about writing to anyone. It's very easy just to blow people off. I have been guilty of the same behavior on occassion. But, most times, I try and write back and say "thanks but I am not interested." It's the polite thing to do ... in my opinion. That is why I now have my ugly mug plastered all over each personal I have out there. That way I can scare them off first thing.

Imagine my surprise at now being propositioned for a "fun only" relationship with someone just two years younger than my dad.

Hot ... Tasty ... Warms the Body ... Caffinates the Brain. It's coffee. Three cheers for coffee!

Yow! It seems that this site is getting a decent amount of hits ... if I read the jumble of graphs and numbers that are my site stats correctly. I may have to add a counter here on the front page just to see what it says too. I must be doing something right if people keep comin' back.

The house got cleaned, the drunk roomie got put to bed, I actually cooked dinner for myself and listened to too much 80's new wave in anticipation of DJ Rhino's Crest of New Wave Night at The Orange Peel on December 21st. Man, that sure looks like it will be a good time. Can ya beat 80's New Wave? I don't think so.

Whoops! Gotta run ... coffee is ready. Mmmm, coffee.

Hmmm. I finally have gotten that Simpsons Talking Watch that I wanted. How sweet to have Homer on your wrist saying, "Mmmm, burger." I need distraction. I have taken my earrings out (maybe for good) and gotten my hair trimmed. Tonight will be an unber exciting evening of cleaning the house. Boy, does it need it. I need even more distraction. My e-mail in-box has been too quiet lately. I need some total strangers to write and say "howdy!"

Yeesh. I have somehow been invited to four ... yes, count 'em ... four parties this coming weekend. Ah, the joy of the holidays!

So, we didn't end up in Miami on Saturday. The rain made us lazy, so we went to the fancy mall nearby. Whoo. My queenie side came out because they had Crate & Barrel, Pottery Barn, William Sonoma and Restoration Hardware all under the same roof. Whoo! I love home decor and gadget-y kinda stuff. While in the Discovery Channel Store I stumbled across a Lego Star Wars Jango Fett Pen. How sweet is that?!? The trip back yesterday was not nearly as eventful as the one down. Some dumb lady ended up getting seated on our plane when she was supposed to be at a different gate and on a different flight. How silly of her!

Going to see Mitch and Jennifer again only reaffirms that they are the greatest people on the planet. And I am not just saying that because they might read this. We all have friends that we hang with, but there are few that cross that line into becoming like family. I feel very lucky to know them and that they are still a continuing part of my life.

It's Saturday morning. I have coffee. I have doughnuts. I am off to Miami (for the first time) in the next hour. Whoo! Then, tomorrow it's back to cold artic wilderness that is North Carolina. Yea, airports!!!

Hee, hee! It's been chilly and snowing back at home, but I am now in sunny and warm Florida for a few days. Yea! The trip down was hectic with all the ice falling on Charlotte. We boarded the plane at 2:00 pm for our 2:20 pm flight and then sat in the plane on the runway until 4:30 pm waiting to be de-iced. Ugh. The plane finally took off. I was getting paranoid that they would ground us the longer we sat there. But, the plane flew and I am here in West Palm Beach! It was a full day of reading. Geez. There is nothing else to do when your stuck in the terminal and then on the plane for so long. I finished "Bat Boy: The Musical" (really sweet show) and have almost finished Donna Tartt's "The Secret Friend." Sorry for no links. I am lazy and hung over this morning.

How nice. The prediction of an ice storm to accompany my drive to Charlotte has totally taken my mind off my fear of flying. Now it's fear of not getting to the airport. Whee!

A tax appraisal figure. Is this a good sign? Only time will tell.

After having read my favorite weblogs yesterday, I feel that my contribution to World Aids Day was super weak. I have never been blessed with great writing skills ... hence the career in graphics and not writing. I always hating writing essays when in school. I equate it to having my teeth pulled. Oh, well.

In other (self-centered) news ...
I didn't get the Simpsons Talking Watch that I wanted. The only one available at out local BK was Krusty the Clown. Don't get me wrong. I like Krusty, but having a Home watch that says "Mmmmm, burger" will be the sheez-nit. The weekend was a low key affair. Decorated the Christmas tree, made egg nog, saw a show at the NC Stage Company, lusted after a married man, worried about possible home ownership, got annoyed by more ambiguous comments from a certain guy, visited my friend Michelle and watched more of the kick-ass Band of Brothers dvd.

Later this week I get to escape 30-degree Western North Carolina and visit 80-degree West Palm Beach (and my friends Mitch and Jen). Whoo!

Living in a small town in the mountains of North Carolina can make one feel very removed from the fight against Aids. I have only know three people who have died of Aids in the 31 years that I have been around. I guess that I should count myself lucky for that. Gene is the person that I miss the most. He ran our local video store (with his partner Steve) for many years. You could tell that Gene was getting sick right before he and Steve moved away. Gene moved back here he and Steve split up several years later. I saw him a few times around town over the next couple of years. He seemed to be doing fine. The next year I heard that he had moved to Ohio and had died there. Gene holds a special place in my heart. He was very much like me ... a little too arty for his own good. He and Steve were also the first gay couple that I had ever gotten to know really well. I am so glad that I got to be his friend for the time he was here.

It still surprises me the "it won't happen to me" attitude that is still around even after all the years of health care professionals advocating safe sex. The couple of time that I have actually been with someone the last few years I have had to be the one to bring up the subject. It seems like being "safe" would be the first thing to be discussed. We need constant education of the masses (gay and straight).

Western North Carolina Aids Project
Broadway Cares/Equity Fights Aids